SouthBound Cats

2012 Epic Adventure

2012-01-04T17:53:00.005-05:00

Hi, Peeps and Anipals. Once again the Goddess is leaving me for the warmer climes and black lava beaches of the Big Island of Hawaii. Yep, she plans on leaving me behind. Same ol', same ol'.

In 2010 I tromped across the USA visiting my pal @ToonceCat in Florida. Then I jumped a freighter to cross the Pacific Ocean to arrive in Hawaii just a few days before she headed back to Upstate New York. She collared me and dragged me home on an airplane. I hate flying as much as I hate Orange Jello. Last year, with my royal wedding invitation in hand I went to England to see Kate and William off in wedded bliss. But all that was after I visited my friend Cheeto of @Rosieandcheeto fame in Chicago and hitched a ride on a private yacht to Belgium.

This year, I'm planning to run away again, but I am totally undecided about where to go. So much to see! Help me plan my escape and begin the 2012 Epic Adventure. Enter your vote for a destination by participating in the survey posted on my blog. Or twitter me any suggestions you might have.

It is a big furry world out there. Help me explore it!!

The Cobra and the Mongoose

2011-04-11T02:33:00.004-04:00

Before leaving the States on board The Mother Lode bound for England, I had the good fortunate of sharing a Cobra with a mongoose. I had been carrying the little rodent in my knapsack ever since I stopped by the Philadelphia Zoo where I swapped DNA stories with the big cats. The mongoose was up to no good, like most diurnal animals. The rodent is fast on his little feet, but catch them about dusk as they prepare for bedtime and they are just about worthless.

My first inclination was to present him to the Queen. However, I figured I’d have to tend to the varmint for a few weeks as I made my ocean passage on board a yet to be determined boat. Since I am looking out for number one, I didn’t want to spend any energy meeting the needs of the mongoose. And I couldn't very well present the Queen with an emaciated rodent. So there I was heading into the Bronx wondering if I would make him my midnight snack when the world went crazy over a little misplaced cobra.

With mongoose in the bag, I had no fear of the deadly snake. Mongoose can make short order of the venomous reptile. Once I located the missing cobra I told her about the mongoose stashed in my bag. By then he was pretty hungry. Her response, predictable. “Say no more.” Wasn’t it strange how she was “discovered” the very next day?

By now this is old news, but I was asked to explain how I got a mongoose into my knapsack. You see, it was quite simple. I told the mongoose I had a cobra in my bag. The photo included here is all the proof he needed.

Unrest at Home

2011-03-14T22:04:00.002-04:00

Big week. Final preparations for the wedding. Not the Royal Wedding. That’s in April. But the shin-dig in Chicago where Rosie and Cheeto’s peeps are saying “I do.” (I do what? Feed the cat, of course.) This means one thing. Living conditions for this week will become deplorable as attention turns toward all the fancy schmancy preparations. Perfect time for a revolution.

While the peeps are distracted we wonder who’s going to feed Cheeto the squillions of treats he demands. He needs to keep that butt in prime condition. (Not even going to talk about internal working order.) Who’s seeing the litter box meets his meticulous and immaculate standards? (Oh, maybe I am talking about internal working order?) Who’s lounging around to provide the comfy lap to chill on?

I’ve observed the living conditions of my dear friend as I have hung out on the couch for the past week. Close observations conclude peep attention has been elsewhere. Damn dog. New sporty car. Now is the time to demand liberty from the tyranny. These peeps are so distracted and will never see it coming.

Here’s the plan:

Day 1. Let the revolution begin. We shall begin with a our motto: Meow, meow, meow, meow, mwwarrraw. Best time to start a revolution is 3 am. Catch’em napping. Repeat until breakfast is served. Word to the wise. Don’t even try to serve noms in yesterday’s dirty bowl. It should be washed and dried. Clean dish towel please.

Day 2. The rally. Held in the living room, renamed Feline Freedom Square. The demonstration includes jumping on the TV, the coffee table, the book shelf and let’s not forget that fancy lamp. A good romp around the room should get their attention. We will keep our demands simple: Squillion of Noms or else…

Day 3. Peep nerves crumbling. Time to make more demands. We will don our bandanas and wave our flags. New leadership. Self-rule. We are done with this government. We want a say in our destiny. We want to be free to elect TUNA or MORE TUNA.

Twitter spreads the cause around the world. We gain sympathy from all cats who love freedom, democracy and TUNA. The oppressive rulers will be asked to step down.

Day 4. Suddenly peeps disappear. The revolution a success. Now we are hungry. Wait, we were kidding.

Congratulations Scot and Kimberly. Have a can of sardines. I was going to give it to the Royals.

My Ready

2011-03-06T21:43:00.002-05:00

I tweeted, “my ready is going to kick your ready's butt.” @BibleCat, also found on Twitter, wanted to know “in essay form please, could you give me 3 whys as to why you like that saying about 'ready'....Ready? Start typing” Geesh, I am trying to survive out here on the road and now I must stop and do some homework? But the BibleCat is good breed, so I will elaborate.

I spent a long night in Gary, Indiana. Not the charming little place of song in the movie the Music Man, but an economically ravaged city of the Midwest. It looks like a rabbit on the side of the road after the vultures picked through the innards. The good pars are gone. Nothing but the matted fur remains. Conditions like these make my trouble radar beep loud and clear. Every corner here has a creepy look about it.

Most of my road troubles come from dogs, raccoons and the occasional Chinaman who wants to use me as a stock base. But last night I ran into a pride of felines mistakenly taken me as some kind of wuss puss from Tennessee. Little had they heard of Sergeant York, the World War I Congressional Medal of Honor recipient from Tennessee. That’s the way we grow them down on the farm in the hills of Tennessee. I’ve hung with the toughest of street cat and I got a cred of my own.

Sure I have spent my fair share of time on the plump pillows of a couch, or on the window sills gazing at chipmunks. I've spent way too much time figuring out how to open a refrigerator. And sure I have an impeccable coat of fur, groomed to perfection, so intoxicating few peeps can resist the desire to pick me up and squeeze me like I was some sort of roll of Charim. So I can see why the punks thought they could take an advantage.

Here are the reasons why my ready is going to kick your ready’s butt.

It isn’t competition that drives my ready. It is survival. I haven’t made all these miles to be done in by a pack of genetic mutants claiming to be of the regal feline persuasion. I live to die a legend, not to be a statistic in Gary, Indiana.
I’m on a mission. As a cat of high integrity I do what I say and I finish what I start. Chicago is right around the corner (of this lake) and that is where I said I'm going. I’ll investigate the living conditions of my friends, Rosie and Cheeto, @rosieandcheeto. Make a full report to the World Domination Order and be off to England. My attendance at the royal wedding has been requested of the Queen. I will accomplish my mission. It is in my DNA. Sort of like James Bond, 007, you think? And I have a oily can a sardines to present to the royal couple.
It is my catitude. I was born ready. I live ready. And I eat ready. Wait…that is, I’m always ready to eat.

So what happened? That's another cat tale.

On The Road

2011-03-04T14:02:00.002-05:00

An inquiring follower wanted to know about Phoenix. So I will fill in the some details since my last entry. She's fine.

As for me, I’m still getting up in the morning, eating, sleeping, eating, prowling and, well if I am not sleeping, I’m eating. My machine just works that way.

My homie Phoenix works very similarly except she always been the smart one. She stays home and worries about me as I venture onto the asphalt. I have avoided using the highways much of this travel season. Road maintenance in the north country requires a lot of salt, dirt and other stuff that makes my pads tender. And it tastes awful too.

I struck out on the road to Chicago over a month ago. Progress this year has been hampered by high winds and snow banks well over my head. Bitter cold has kept the snow pack weak, so open field running bogs me down. Seems like Chicago is in the middle of the country or something. It didn't look that far on the map. Maybe six inches or so. It is taking forever to get there and now I have another reason to be in the Windy City.

My original purpose was to visit my friends Rosie and Cheeto (follow them on Twitter at @rosieandcheeto). Presently they are enduring horrible living conditions, denied treats and forced into human bondage - the cuddles. Worst of all is the backward fur rub causing static electricity. All could be cured with squillions of tuna treats packed in heavy oil. That will give their coats a shine. I’ve come to demand such.

But there might be a logical reason for this abuse. Seems Rosie and Cheeto’s peeps are in love and going to get married in less than two weeks. Since I am attending the Royal Wedding in April, I thought I’d crash this wedding. I’ll be able to scout out the ceremonial activities so nothing in England catches me off the royal guard. No need to cause a blunder that could cause an international incident. The O-man doesn't need my help.

So dear followers send the tuna express treats my way. I’ve turned south southwest to swoop around Lake Michigan and must rally all my senses to tackle the streets of Gary, Indiana.

My Homie, Phoenix

2010-05-14T22:09:00.004-04:00

Word has reached me that she is not doing very well. Still early in the full diagnostics and testing stages, but indications are she has something going on with liver. She’s been getting hydrated, fed and served a concoction of antibiotics since her admission to the Vet Hospital since Tuesday. She must be feeling like crap, because I know my homie. She is an expert at opening doors, latches, gates, windows and anything else that has a “shut” function. If it opens Phoenix can figure it out. If she had been feeling well, she would have left the vet days ago.

In the office back in Tennessee, the staff had to twice figure out how she opened a hatch to the crawl space under the house. We rolled in dirt and ate spiders for hours until we decided to come out for some real food. No business suit executive was coming in there after us. Goddess was mad. We smelled nice and musty. Two days later, Phoenix figured out how to get us back down the hatch. Kind of like playing Lost before Lost was even on a story board, which I don’t think the writers ever did. Anyway...

Goddess has been pouring over the Internet, researching feline liver diseases and catching up on billiruben, which sounds like the punk kid from the other side of town who barely made Bar Mitzvah. Wish it was. Instead, billiruben is produced when red blood cells are broken down. The liver secretes this stuff in bile and high levels means something ain’t working right. Right now we don’t know what that something is. Phoenix never was one to eat pills off the floor – a possible cause of toxicity and liver damage. The Old Man takes many pills and drops a few occasionally, but like I said, Phoenix would rather eat flies.

Her blood work showed slightly elevated levels of billiruben. The vet, Dr. Karen, she says Phoenix’s X-ray showed a rounded liver. We are hoping this was just an infection and antibiotics will bring her back to her smart self.

She don’t care for taking pills either so the Old Man will have a challenge on his hands when she comes home. Phoenix can read human minds. Think “pill” and Phoenix actually can disappear. Sometimes I wished I had that talent.

That makes me want to tell you a disappearing Phoenix story. Goddess moved us into a little studio apartment in Knoxville when she got back from gallivanting around the world with Peace Corps. It had a refrigerator, a stove and a futon. Nothing else was in the apartment when she carried Phoenix inside. Then she went to get me. I was waiting in the Jeep. When we got back inside, Phoenix was gone. Poof! There was no place to look. A bathroom, an empty closet, an empty kitchen studio. That was it. What the hell? Even I couldn’t find her. Turned out, Phoenix squeezed behind the stove and crawled up into the pan drawer. It took a half a day to get her out of there. Good one Phoenix.

Tonight, on the high sea, I miss my homie something terrible. I’ve pulled a huge stunt leaving home and running off to Hawaii. If I don’t get to see my homie again…boy, my heart will be so broken.

Bottle Cap

2010-03-28T21:40:00.004-04:00

I was born dirt poor on a farm in rural East Tennessee. When I was rescued from the shelter I was taken to an office where I spent the first seven years of my life. Lots of human activities, but since this office housed of a bunch of business consultants they kept the place looking professional. Image was everything. Cat toys scattered everywhere was not the image.

Kitty toys were kept to a minimum. I had to make do. I learned to play with paperclips, staple guns and the occasional fanny on the copier. Not your normal cat toys, but more than I would have had if life kept me on the farm. I'm not complaining, too much.

Goddess feels compelled to remind me of my humble beginnings. One way she does this is to give me "make-do" cat toys. You know, not really cat toys. For instance, here she is giving me and my homie, Phoenix, a bottle cap. Sure they can rattle around on a hardwood floor. Ooooh, exciting (NOT). And they can take off in a shot, which is really oooooh exciting (NOT). But a bottle cap is no substitute for a fluffy felt duck, if you know what I mean.

Have you ever held a bottle cap between your front paws and rubbed your face on it? Cold, hard plastic. It's just not the same as a soft plush chew toy soaked with cat spit. Sink your teeth into that cap and you'll be sitting in the dentist chair come morning.

I oblige her by taking a few tentative pats at the cap(Yawn.) Phoenix will chase it and entertains herself with the stupid thing, but me, I'd rather sit in the window and watch birds. Or run away.

My Side Of the Story

2010-03-27T22:06:00.005-04:00

Once you bite a human, you’re marked for life. Once you attack a human, you are cursed to go to hell. Thus my name, Diablo.

I am a sweetheart of a kitty. Full of spunk. No fear. That happens when you’re an office cat. High volume of people in your life, you get use to the attention and the crazy things people do. Add to that I was carted back and forth from office to house almost every night and I got use to most things, including the typical rural Tennessee road block complete with German Sheppard. I’d growl at those dogs and believe it or not, they didn’t know what to think. They’d sniff around the Jeep while I prowled window to window making my presence clearly known. I can be tough when I got sheet metal and glass between me and Fido.

Anyway, you could say I was a bit concerned with defending my territory. At the office, there was Phoenix and at the house, just me. I considered both my place.

The house sat on a lake, surrounded by deep forests. Quiet, secluded. Goddess liked the privacy as much as I did. On sultry summer nights, she’d go to bed stark naked. (I'll keep this rate PG) Some nights it was dead still, except for the peepers carrying on in the reeds. What little breeze the lake offered was captured in the thick pine boughs. She’d stretch out under the circulating ceiling. Nobody around but the moon. From the opened windows I kept watch over anything that lurked in the inky shadows. Mostly stupid possum, a few cantankerous raccoons and lots of squirrels. The squirrels drove me crazy.

Every once in a while another cat would come prowl around, never with any good intentions. Whenever that happened, I’d go nuts. First I’d get a few deep growls to rumble up from the depth of hell. Very primal. Sounds most house cats don’t even make. The fur on my nape would bristle. A porcupine couldn’t even imitate this. I’d hunker down low, cocked and loaded. My eyes widened like a pair of headlights on a rainy dark night. I could feel my heart pound deep inside my ribs and my breathing evolved into snorts, similar to a feral pig.

I confess, I’d flip out. And the Goddess knew it. I wasn’t Diablo anymore, but a possessed demon. The domesticated house cat vanished.

One night a prowling intruder of the feline type came snooping around the deck. Goddess heard me getting all worked up. Try as she might to calm me down I wasn’t having any of it. She spotted the intruder on the deck and made an attempt to scare him off. She leaned over to the window and she growled.

I went over the edge, berserk. Mind you she is naked as a jaybird. I leapt up and sank all four canines into her ass, while latching on to the back of her thigh with my front claws. The back two feet kicking away at the flesh. All 110 pounds of her came crashing to the floor. This is how a lion brings down a water buffalo. A vicious attack.

The next thing I remember we were eye-ball to eye-ball. She was as shocked as I was confused. I could tell she was scared. I could see it in her eyes. The fear, but she remained calm, not provoking another attack. This would have been even worse because like I said we were face to face. Got to give her credit for keeping her wits as she faced down a demonic furball.

I growled and snorted. Blood was everywhere. Yet she maintained her composure. No panic. Good thing, because any sudden movement or sound would have netted another assault.

She spoke soothingly while she inched slowly away. Once out of immediate range of tooth and fang she got up. Never stopped talking and never took her eyes off me, but never looked me directly in the eyes either. All the while I’m guarded, snarling and snorting. She ended up locked in the bedroom. I crouched down at the door where I watched her watch me under the door. No threshold. A few hours drifted by and I came out of my trance, as lovable as my old self.

I’ve done this a few times. I’ve gone to the point of actually stalking her with the same fierce attitude. Once she had to jump up on the kitchen counters to escape. Could be why she joined the Peace Corps and ran away for two years.

No vet or cat expert has an explanation. Bad kitty trip. And yet, she still loves me. That’s why I got to get to Hawaii.

Marooned on Captiva

2010-03-09T20:41:00.002-05:00

I have a little time on my paws tonight. I’ll make road entry number 37. (You haven’t gotten to read every one). Presently, I am marooned on Cabbage Island on the Intracoastal Water Marker 60, N. It is all because I learned of this restaurant that has like the best hamburgers this side of Cornudus, TX. (If you don’t know where Cornudus is you will.) Following my weakness for a scrumptious patty the size of my own head (hold the jokes) I wandered westward into the Gulf of Mexico.

Seeing how I just scampered over all the keys down to the southernmost point buoy in the continental US, I thought I had this island hopping thing down to a scientific theory…cats hate water, cats stay on bridges. Except, the only way to get to the Cabbage Island Restaurant was by boat. I had to find a boat.

Offer a couple of guys a bottle of beer and they’ll take a cat anywhere. I realized I ran a great risk with this proposition. But the two young men were harmless creatures, already too wasted by 10 am to consider the evil tossing of a feline overboard and then watching the poor thing swim for its life. I know, I know…stupid of me.

Well, unreliable transportation in the early afternoon, results in no transportation by evening. These two mooncalves were no where to be found after I had my fill of cheeseburgers in paradise.

I tried to hop a small skiff with three young college girls on spring break, but they looked like the types who would have put me in a box and taken me home. My luck, I’d find myself sitting in a small cage at the vets in the morning waiting for a check up and shot regime. My new name Snookem’s or something equally disgusting. (If there is a Snookem’s out there, and not of the Muppet sort, I apologize, but really…Snookem’s?)

Since I had to spend the night here, I decided to pay the campers a visit. Discovered a little campground nearby with camp fire rings. I guess this gives the campers a sense of the real wilds of Florida, mosquitoes and all. After hanging around the perimeter of the campfire, I learned two things. People get a little jumpy when they see glowing eyes in the dark. They think ‘gator. Then they get all big and tough and throw things. I’m not talking marsh mellows either.

The other night I slept curled up in an abandoned crab trap, so I know there are far worse places to be, but not much worse. I’ll be patient and wait out the night. There are boats shuttling back and forth all day. I’ll find something.

Florida Hospitality

2010-03-04T03:05:00.009-05:00

Whew. The other night I lounged in the pool house, entranced by the swirling lights and bubbles jetting up from the Jacuzzi. The soothing sounds of bubbles. Soon I was peaceful dozing. After logging 1400 miles, fighting fearsome blizzards, crossing a huge ass bridge/tunnel, being held hostage by a bag lady, threatened by thugs on a ferry, and tromping through every Podunk little town in rural Alabama, I made it to Florida. The challenges became no less. I had to avoid Gators of the meat eating type and crazy Greeks in Tarpon Springs who want nothing more than to marry a Goddess who owns a very smart cat. But finally, after a two months odyssey I relaxed with a belly full of tuna in the company of my good pal, TooncesCat.

I had to use the code to gain secret entry. The human of the house was expecting one filthy ragtag fur pile in need of a bath. Why she thought that a bath would be necessary I couldn’t imagine. Sure, I’ve tromped through my share of swamps across the state, but I’m just like any other cat, meticulous about grooming. I ain't no off the street stray.

Not to be a rude guest, I brought a little gift and left it on the front steps. I tried not to leave too much cat spit on the bird when I took the head off. My presentation superb. Two little feet sticking straight up in the air. The only thing missing were two exs on the glazed-over eyes. Why the humans sigh in appreciation I’ll never understand?

Not to be disturbed Toonces locked us into the pool house. After ordering room service and downing a six pack of tuna, Toonces and I settled back and to talk story. Indeed I had a few and this is one I shared with him.

I grew up a traveling cat, shuttled back and forth from the office to the house for a good number of years before she decided to take off and join the Peace Corps. That left me and Phoenix with the guys in the office. They did their best to take care of us, but did not provide the same high quality care to which we had grown accustom. Even though she had left detailed instructions, they fed us more than we should have eaten. When the Goddess returned, we were two very fat cats. I mean fat. I couldn’t jump on a counter top to save my life, much less to steal a chicken bone.

Being a bit of a health nut, she immediately put us on strict diets. That’s when life changed drastically. We were moved out of the office and relocated to a studio apartment. It was just big enough to turn around in and find your own tail. While we were now on a starvation diets, Goddess remodeled the kitchen and completed her book. Fortunately, we were not there long. We set off on a traveling adventure, a book tour.

Little did I know that the studio apartment would be huge in comparison to the nineteen foot RV she packed us into. I took it in stride, but Phoenix was bound and determined to break out of that moving prison.

One day we stopped in a busy shopping mall on Cape Cod. While Goddess paid a visit to a book store, Phoenix clawed at the sliding screen. That cat managed to get it open just enough for me to slip my now skinny body through. When she got back and saw the window was open, she gasped in horror. Imagine busy parking lot, zooming cars, strange people walking by and acres of trees around the perimeter. And of course, I had no clue as to where I was.

Inside she found Phoenix, but I was gone. She came outside and looked around the RV. She stared at the nearby woods. The scrub pine left the ground covering all brown. Brown cat, brown ground. She’d never find me. And no telling how long I had been gone.

She sat on the ground near the RV and began to cry. Rats. I felt so sorry for her. Even though she was hauling us around the country in that stupid RV, I couldn’t leave her. So when she looked up, there I was. Right beside her. Talk about hugs and kisses. I think she was a little miffed at Phoenix for opening the window and all, but she never let on. She got out a roll of duct tape and taped every screen shut. That’s when Phoenix started messing with the door! But that is another story.

You see, I figure she will be so happy to see me when I get to Hawaii.

Cops and Robbers

2010-02-25T12:57:00.003-05:00

Took a fast trip to Tuscaloosa last week when I smuggled aboard the University of Tennessee Lady Vols basketball team bus. I expected to watch my team take it to the Bama Girls, but a couple of things happened. It might be easy to stow-away on a bus, but not so easy to slip in the doors of an athletic center. Security wasn’t an issue, but the hundreds and hundreds of human feet shuffling through the gates was. Even the team entrance proved a little disconcerting. If you are human get down on your hands and those things you call knees and try it sometimes. It’s a rib banging experience.

But my persistence paid off. I weaseled in behind the team’s bench to hear Pat Summit rail at the girls. Intense. They were being outrebounded and Coach thinks that is blowing some court opportunity. The Lady Vols won, but coach was mad. Winning isn’t everything, but how you play the game is. I’m glad I wasn’t on the end of the icy stares. No words needed when Coach is on fire.

As much as I loved to see the whole game, the crowd was no place for a cat. No one is paying attention to me. The dangers of stomping feet is too risky, to say nothing of the sticky floor caused by spilled soda. It’s worse than standing in the middle of a busy intersection. When the substitution horn went off I nearly jumped out of my fur.

I went looking for a quieter place where I could clean the soda off my toes. It’s amazing where you can go when you act like you belong there. In this case, the comforts of Athletic Director’s office. I snuggled up on a few papers on the desk, leaving a small pile of fur, toenails and a trail of sticky foot prints. Next thing I know the lights are on and someone is asking, “Where did you come from?” Not much on answering questions, I took off down the hallway before anyone could catch me. Out the door I went to discover I slept the whole night and missed the bus back to Knoxville.

Oh well, I back tracked to Birmingham and took in dinner at the aquarium. Hey, can I help the fact that I haven’t had a fresh fish dinner since the night I cross the Chesapeake Bay Bridge? Whose going to miss a few fishies anyway?

It is time to get serious about getting to Florida. I would have been there by now except I had run in with the wiry little cook at China Buffet in King Frog, Georgia. He got a little upset when he found me in the kitchen. Called the cops. All he needed was a broom and I would have scrammed. Instead, this guy thought there was someone else stalking the pots and pans. He got scared and asked the Georgia Highway State Patrol to investigate. There I was in the kitchen with spicy pork all over my chin and a flash light shining in my eyes.

Fortunately, there was no attempt to collar me. Lots of laughing by the Patrol Guy. But the cook wanted to serve me up for dinner. Made mental note. Some Chinese do eat kitties.

Now preparing to enter Florida to raise hell. Spring break baby.

Hometown

2010-02-13T21:47:00.005-05:00

I don’t know what I would have done if I found my mom. It would have been sweet to smell her breath, touch her nose, lick the top of her head. Even curl up with her on the wool blanket where I was borne. But I knew in that place where cats just know things, it would be a small miracle if she survived. Life is hard down on the farm.

After nearly a month on the road, I managed to get from Saratoga Springs, New York to Greeneville, Tennessee. Pardon the expression, but I’m dog tired.

The barns and farm out buildings look pretty much the same, but honestly I don’t remember too much. I was a youngster when they came and scooped me up along with my siblings and dropped us into a shoebox. We all thought we were going to be treated to a night in the big house. You know, where the Big Man and his wife lived. Where the dim yellow light flickered all night, so inviting and warm. But we were left on the steps of a shelter to be found tired and aching with hunger by the time the staff arrived in the morning.

After disparaging remarks about the awful treatment we endured, they took us in, filled out the necessary paperwork and gave us a two week sentence. At the time, I didn’t know that meant two weeks before they would put us down for good. Limited resources in them rural shelters.

I showed my attitude early when I didn’t take too kindly to the poking and prodding during the physical. I drew my own blood sample. After that, I was left alone with the rest of the kitties in a small pen. Living conditions were crowded and messy. One long hair kitten had diarrhea! I managed to stay clear of the poop, because that's a bad way to market yourself for adoption. But unknown to me, I caught an awful sickness.

I saw the Goddess before she saw me. Her eyes were all over Phoenix who hunkered down in the back of her cage. Phoenix was pretty scared of just about everything. She was older and had lived with a human who had died. That caused lots of rumors among the kitties, but I paid little attention to that gossip.

Goddess came in with a friend named Rob, who never in his life had been around cats. Can you imagine that? Nevertheless, he had great choice. He found me and liked my spunkiness. And even though they were “just looking”, they couldn’t help fall in love with my bowlegged strut. So for the second time in as many days I was shoved into another box (can you see why cats don’t take well to carriers?) and carted off to the offices of Design Management, where Phoenix spent the next two days behind a filing cabinet.

Phoenix and I had no problem bonding. She was like a big sister. If I got too rowdy she'd take her paw and pin me to the floor. That whole office had hard wood floors. I never knew the luxury of carpet and ultimate traction until much later.

Like I said, I caught some bug at the shelter. For two days I didn’t eat. This worried Goddess. She had already taken me to the vet to start the shot regiment, but she carted me back there when I got sick. Right there in the vet’s office, the doc whipped out some fishy-smellin' canned cat food. I lunged at the piece Goddess held and sank my teeth in her finger. She had some mixed feelings about that. Happy I was eating yet crying from the pain I inflicted. Hey, it wasn’t to be the last time I'd bite her.

Because I had to take lots of medication that week – around the clock – she took me home every night in her Jeep. That’s when I became a traveling cat.

My hometown is where I am from, but it is not where I should be. “I was borne under a wandering star. Home was made for 'coming from' and dreams are made for 'going to.'”

I continue to push south and dream about mom. I miss her everyday.

From the Road

2010-02-07T20:26:00.002-05:00

Kitties should not have to endure such elements. After slogging through swamps in the coastal plains of North Carolina, I approached the Piedmont Region thinking I would find warmer weather. So wrong. My fur has thickened nicely since I left my New York abode. Unfortunately a thick coat hides my ribs. Few strangers pity me, thinking I’m nothing but a fat cat. When I hit Florida I’m going to shed like a bad dust rag.

My last good meal was the chickens in the barn. I attempted to get some good East Carolina barbeque when I showed up at a so out-of-the-season but early Super Bowl pig pickin’ party. The smells of the pig roasting on a grill attracted several felines. None of us were invited and were kept at bay by an overly zealous Chihuahua. I was ready to take the mutt on until a brick was tossed my way. I scampered across the yard with a biscuit in mouth. My raiding skills are becoming keener, yet I keep getting leaner.

The mountains of Appalachia are between me and my old home in Tennessee. Mixed feeling about returning to the farm where I was born. I seriously doubt if Mom is around after all these years. Barn cats have tough lives. Too many barn cats must be disposed. The lucky ones end up at the shelters. The not so lucky end up as pig food. I was lucky. It will be nice to see the Tennessee relatives.

I got to thinking about Phoenix, my homie, and the Old Man back in New York. I’ve been on the road for a month. Seems like it has been years that I learned how to jump trains with the yard cats south of Albany. I’ve many more miles to go, with places to see and cats to visit. Been invited to Kansas to see a ball of string. It’s tempting to go see this wonder. Maybe get a couple of souvenirs to send back home to Phoenix. Hope she doesn’t forget me.

Tennessee, here I come.

Folly Fork, NC

2010-01-30T23:13:00.003-05:00

If you happen to be slogging your way cross country, bushwhack style and you happen to come across an old barn, filled with 40 chickens, a cat and a coonhound...

I took a small detour north to visit the lit kids at Washington College. There I filled my belly on tasty treats from Hodson Hall before turning south again. Ahead of me stretched the lower portion of the great Chesapeake Bay and the 20 mile bridge-tunnel, that carries the main north-south highway on Virginia's Eastern Shore, and provides the only direct link between there and south Hampton Roads, Virginia. I’m all about direct, so I needed a plan to cross.

I hooked up with a middle-aged fisherman wearing the biggest boots I've ever seen. He was head across the bridge with the intent to land some Big Ones from Sea Gull Pier, which extends from the southernmost of the four man-made islands in the bay. A kindly chap, and he knew I wanted more than just a ride. While he provided a lift, he expected me to work for it so I spent the night chasing sea gulls away from his bait bucket. It was an assignment more appropriate for a Golden Retriever, but it earned me good standing and fish entrails.

Exhausted, I spent the next day sleeping under a couple of smelly tarps in the bed of his pickup until two young pups came exploring. Well rested and fed, I leapt for solid ground in a suburban neighborhood on the west side of Virginia Beach.

It was time to move inland if I am to make for my original stomping grounds in Greeneville, Tennessee. Unfortunately, the foulest of winter weather caught me in the middle of the dreariest of landscapes, Dismal Swamp. I slogged through the dead thickets and thistles accumulating muck on my once shiny coat. When I thought it couldn’t get any worse, winter reminded me that groundhogs have yet to forecast spring. I swear, I never left New York. Snow up to my...chin.

The elements got the best of me. I needed shelter. That’s when I found the barn. Since I was almost in tobacco country, I guessed that a sweet aroma of dried tobacco would linger in the rafters. What a mouth watering delight to find chickens instead.

I shipped one fat bird to MedusaJ in the UK, hoping customs won’t be an issue. It was a special request from my Twitter friend. I plucked a few feathers off another, when an old coonhound moseyed in to see what the commotion was. Stupid chickens couldn’t keep their beaks shut.

Tonight, I’m dry, semi-warm and have a chicken pinned under one paw as I sit in the rafters of an old barn in nowhere North Carolina waiting for the dog to disappear.

Bag Lady

2010-01-23T18:41:00.007-05:00

The wind hollered like a freight train rumbling out of Buffalo in the middle of January. The Bag Lady, a boney pile of layered rags kept me buried inside her tweed coat. I don’t know who was keeping who warm. She was bedded down under the Southeast Freeway overpass near the Potomac. Faint and eerie shadows danced with the gang graffiti on the overpass' I-beams. Reminded me of the Yard Cats. Suddenly, I missed those boys.

Never a quiet moment for the last several days. My eyes only closed after sheer exhaustion.

I wanted to see more of DC but, I got nabbed by the Bag Lady almost immediately. Sly one, she was. Scooped me up before I knew what hit me. At first I feared I was dinner, for she had nothing to eat but store brand cat food. If it had any tuna in it, it contained the worst part of the fish. I don’t know, what would that be? The feet?

I happily ate what she gave me, but I soon realized that was all she had. I felt bad, but grateful that she fed me. Weird how those emotions got tangled.

She threw a hemp-woven leash and collar on me right away. I got to say, I had no chance to claw my way out of this predicament. She wore layers and layers of rags. No matter what I dug my claws into her, I never reach flesh. So I settled in looking for an opportunity to escape.

The Bag Lady took me on a tour of the sites. Her narrative rambled on. Honestly, I paid little attention to it. She positioned me in her shopping cart and I felt every crack in the sidewalk from 4th Street to the Mall. I did a dental check to be sure I still had all my teeth.

At the Lincoln Memorial she packed me into her coat again and climbed the stairs to the base of the great man’s feet. My, Mr. President what huge feet and hands you have. That’s when I made my escape, nearly tumbling down the stairs tail over whiskers. I veered to my right and found myself standing in the middle of a platoon of soldiers, looking as worn and as bedraggled as me. The Korean War Memorial. I hid among the warriors until I chewed the leash off. It was good to be free again.

My freedom did have a price. I accidentally left my GPS with her. Disoriented, I headed out of town on the wrong road, finding myself headed toward Annapolis. Not being one who likes to back track I pushed on. When I get across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, I’ll turn south once again.

Tonight I discovered it is not crab season in Maryland. More seagull for dinner. Stupid birds are easy to catch as they stand facing the wind ready for take off. Approach from down wind and they never see, hear or smell cat.

Cat Overboard

2010-01-16T15:38:00.003-05:00

One moment, I’m King of the World, standing on the bow of the MV Cape May and the next moment two hoodlums are chasing me around the deck. Hey, animals are allowed onboard. I wasn’t trying to sneak into the dining areas, which are off limits to pets. The thought crossed my mind, but considering I get slightly sea-sick, I passed on any attempts to sneak into the galley to fill up my belly.

I was a stowaway, but where was I going to get $7.50 to make the voyage from Cape May, NJ to Lewes, Delaware? I hid out behind the rear tire of a late model SUV. I positioned myself after the security guys gave a once “under” the carriage of the vehicle with a mirror on a long pole. I didn’t realize they were trying to keep cats off the ferries.

Once onboard, I went out on the deck to blow the exhaust fumes off me. That’s how I found myself imitating Leonardo on the Titanic. Woo-hoo! I wasn’t expecting to get harassed. The crossing was calm and although the temperatures were reaching an almost balmy 50 degrees, most of the humans hunkered down in the comfy lounges to enjoy a tasty beverage. I should be so lucky.

We were nearing the terminal on the Delaware side when these punk crew members attacked. Like I was stealing fresh air or something. They menacingly called, “Here kitty, kitty.” The younger one of the two, had that evil look in his eye and I knew he meant harm. A real Tyler Hayes Weinman, the punk charged as a cat killer in Florida last summer.

Options were limited. I jumped, clawing at the ropes slung over the side of the ship. I managed to get my claws into the thick twine. I hung on tight but the asshole began flipping the rope until his partner in crime called him off. Fortunately, a few more compassionate shipmates were struck by the horror that this little tabby cat clung to the side of the ship.

Disaster averted, I watched the bow cut through the waters, not far below were I was precariously perched. Salt spray drenched my coat. I closed my eyes and hung on. I felt the ship slow. Maybe I'll make it.

As the MV Cape May slipped into its terminal dock, I took a flying leap for the nearest pylon. Damn thing was covered with seagull crap and I vowed I would eat one before the end of the day.

Back on land this late afternoon. So this is Delaware, state motto: Liberty and Independence. It might be too much for one cat to handle. In the back of my mind, I keeping thinking about crossing the Pacific to Hawaii.

Food Situation

2010-01-07T00:15:00.002-05:00

I’m slowly working my south, keeping on the move and staying warm. It burns calories. I’m hungry all the time. Heck, I was hungry all the time at the Old Man’s house. Fed twice a day, a carefully measured ¼ cup at each meal. The Old Man was a Prisoner of War, World War II vet, so you'd think he’d cut me some slack. Throw in extra kibbles. But nooooo. He was under strict rules from you know who.

Geez, look at me. Complaining about what I use to have. Look at me now. Wish I could have a little Science Diet. Instead, I’m gnawing on the bones of what was a skinny rabbit. It got caught in a drainage pipe beneath the highway.

My hunting skills were never as good as Phoenix’s. Once I had that episode where I chased baby five rabbits around the outside of an abandoned dog pen and didn’t catch a one, I quite hunting. When I got close, the rabbits jumped into the pen. Back in the day, I was pretty fat, so I couldn’t slip through the fence like the bunnies. It was too embarrassing to repeat, so I never honed the stalking skills. I get too excited and run too soon. But I’m learning. Learn or starve.

Escape

2010-01-04T18:11:00.002-05:00

I bid a teary good-bye to Phoenix. After all, we’ve been buds for ten years. Now, I am on the loose. You know, grass is greener on the other side. Except it is January in upstate New York. The only thing green is the hemlocks and even the deer don’t mess with them.

The Old Man went to burn papers this afternoon and left the cellar door ajar. I wedged myself between the door and the jamb and the next thing I knew I was smelling the sweet wafts of winter in the North Country. Yesterday, a fresh snow fell so the landscape sat pretty pristine. Minus all those deer tracks.

Spent my first hours of freedom hunkered down beneath the backyard shrubbery. Two reason for this. There is no snow under there and the birds like landing on the branches after they gather the sunflower seeds from the birdfeeder. They never knew I was there and I nabbed one unsuspecting twitter. What a ball of feathers. These chickadees look fat, but they are so puffed up with air, they are hardly worth all the effort to catch. I had not eaten since breakfast, so I woofed down the whole thing, except for the feet. I didn’t think they would digest very well. My tummy is use to Science Diet DD. From now on the only science about my diet is what I can catch, pillage or beg.

I’ve got miles to go before I find warmer climes, so I got to get on my way. I made it as far as the old school house next door. 200 feet. (Hey, it is a start.) I heard plenty of rodent activity in the foundation, so I expect to find my next meal soon.

Turning left. I'm South Bound.

Bad Alarm Clock

2009-07-18T06:21:00.003-04:00

Diablo: I'm doing all the work!

Phoenix: You are impatient, my friend.

Diablo: I'm hungry.

Phoenix: You're always hungry. Now sit here and look cute.

Diablo: She'll never get up.

Phoenix: It's 4:35am. Dawn's breaking. She'll wake up. And when she does, I'll be here to get some petting. Now be quiet. Enjoy the moment.

Diablo: Petting poohie. I'd rather jump from the bed to the floor to the window to the floor and lumber down the hallway over and over again instead of sitting by her pillow listening to my stomach growl.

Phoenix: You're going to hear more than your tummy growl if you don't stop that.

Green Kitty

2009-05-23T20:02:00.002-04:00

Phoenix: You look a little...sick.

Diablo: Ooooo. My belly hurts.

Phoenix: Can't imagine why. What did you eat now?

Diablo: A chipmunk.

Phoenix: Heard they taste like chicken.

Diablo: They do, but only on the way down.

Phoenix: You didn't.

Diablo: Yeah, there is a little hind foot under the bed.

T Shirts

2009-05-12T20:14:00.002-04:00

Phoenix: You're selling t-shirts?

Diablo: Not just any old t-shirt, but those with my famous twitter quotes.

Phoenix: You serious?

Diablo: Totally. I'll take my wealth and by a tuna farm.

Phoenix: I don't think tuna grows on farms. It comes from the ocean.

Diablo: Ocean? Like water? Not going there.

Phoenix: Better rethink your plan.

Diablo: Tuna factory?

It's Our Adoption Day!

2009-05-08T20:34:00.005-04:00

Diablo: I was bold, tiny and very sick.

Phoenix: I nearly puked on the car ride from the animal shelter to the office.

Diablo: I remember you panted so hard...like a dog. Scared Rob, but he didn't know beans from rice. That's when it was discovered that you really weren't declawed.

Phoenix: Secret weapons. Once we got to the office you spent the next day under the couch.

Diablo: I was sick. No appetite. Traumatic day. She took me to the vet and I bit her finger. Drew blood. But the vet kissed me on the nose. Calmed me down and then he gave me the best canned food ever.

Phoenix: That's when you started going home and coming back to the office every day. Lucky you. You've manage to keep biting her ever since.

Diablo: I got use to riding in the Jeep. It was fun. I'd sit on the dash and watch the telephone poles zoom by. I tried to catch 'em. And I don't bit as much any more!

Phoenix: Those were the days.

Diablo: These are the days. The old man left chicken on the counter the other night. Heaven.

Phoenix: Happy ten years? Or is it nine? It's not a cat thing to keep track of time.

Diablo: Got cake?

Night Watch

2009-05-06T03:48:00.003-04:00

Phoenix: What have you been doing?

Diablo: 'a little busy right now.

Phoenix: You have been racing back and forth at least twenty times.

Diablo: There is something outside. It keeps moving.

Phoenix: Where?

Diablo: Look out this window. Better view. Oops! It moved. Back to the kitchen window.

Phoenix: Where?

Diablo: There. Okay, back to the bedroom. I bet'cha you can see it better from there. See? See? What the heck is that? It's huge!

Phoenix: It's a deer. And someone is going to be pissed tomorrow morning when he discovers they have been eating the bushes.

Diablo: Speaking of eating. All this business has made me hungry. Can you eat deer?

Phoenix: You'll have more luck unscrewing the lid to the catfood canister.

Diablo: That can be arranged.

Legions

2009-05-03T18:20:00.003-04:00

Phoenix: How' you managing this? These twitter followers?

Diablo: It just happens.

Phoenix: Who are they?

Diablo: I don't know. They just come. Kind of like I built a baseball field.

Phoenix: Build it and they will come?

Diablo: Yeah, that's right.

Phoenix: So what are you building?

Diablo: A legion.

Phoenix: I think you mean a legend. Like in you're own mind.

Diablo: And we'll play baseball and eat hotdogs. Yummm. I can smell them now.

Phoenix: I knew this would get around to food.

Update

2009-05-01T22:07:00.002-04:00

Diablo: Guess who twittered me?

Phoenix: Can't imagine.

Diablo: Valerie!

Phoenix: The Goddess of all Sweet Goodness?

Diablo:That be the one.
Phoenix: When's she coming?

Diablo: Soon, I hope. I put in an order for fish. Fresh Ahi!

Phoenix: You'll be lucky to get a pea.

Diablo: Humm? I like peas too.

Poem

2009-04-30T00:01:00.003-04:00

Phoenix: What have you been doing all afternoon?

Diablo: Thinkin'of poetry.

Phoenix: Oh, boy. This ought to be good.

Diablo: This little piggy went to Mexico, While this little piggy stayed home. And this little piggy got Swine Flu and this little piggy got none.

Phoenix: Wait...Stop right there.

Diablo: Best part coming up.

Phoenix: No...too much TV for you.

Diablo: Rats

This Little Piggy

2009-04-27T17:00:00.002-04:00

Phoenix: Did you just sneeze?

Diablo: Yes, Bless me.

Phoenix: You coming down with a cold?

Diablo: No way. Basement dust. Some dust bunnies behind the home heating fuel tank are the size of bears.

Phoenix:

Diablo: Okay, not that big. But big. Trust me. Maybe the size of pigs.

Phoenix:

Diablo: Okay, okay, okay...the size of a stupid cotton ball. What of it?

Phoenix: Just as long as you're sure you didn't catch the swine flue.

Diablo: Hell, I can't even catch a bird. How am I going to catch a swine?

New Territory

2009-04-24T02:50:00.003-04:00

Diablo: What's with this new chummie relationship you got going on here?

Phoenix: Oh, it's nothing.

Diablo: Don't give me that. You've taken to sittin' on the Old Man's lap.

Phoenix: So?

Diablo: You don't think she's not coming back do you?

Phoenix: It's been awhile. Hell, there ain't any more snow on the ground and she ain't here.

Diablo: So?

Phoenix: So what?

Diablo: You know. How did it feel?

Phoenix: Warm and toasty.

Diablo: Yeah, I miss sitting on her lap.

Phoenix: Me too.

Spring In The Air

2009-04-18T17:48:00.003-04:00

Phoenix: How's that twitter thing working for ya?

Diablo: Lots of cute cats out there. Crazy people too.

Phoenix: Any birds?

Diablo: None I can eat.

Phoenix: So what's the point?

Diablo: Didn't you hear me? Lots of cute cats.

Twitter

2009-04-10T20:21:00.003-04:00

Phoenix: What did you do?

Diablo: I signed up on twitter. My twitter character is Southbound Cat

Phoenix: That's original. Why'd you sign up?

Diablo: Twitter. Get it? A bird. I thought it would be something I could eat.

Phoenix: I don't see any feathers hanging out of your mouth.

Diablo: I'm still trying to figure it out. It's more complicated than figuring out how to open a cupboard door.

Phoenix: There's got to be something to eat with twenty million users. Someone is bound to leave a bag of Cheetos behind.

Diablo: That's what I figured. I got followers and things I'm following. But so far...no luck in the food department.

Success

2008-09-07T15:02:00.003-04:00

Diablo: Was that luck or skill?

Phoenix: A little of both.

Diablo: I was wondering when you were going to figure it out.

Phoenix: Well, the paint stick was a little on the edge so it didn't take much to push it through the handle.

Diablo: And when it fell through...Wa-La. Access to the food pile!

Phoenix: Chips.

Diablo: Now if you can just figure out how to open the refrigerator. I could use a little salsa on these things.

Here

2008-06-05T20:06:00.004-04:00

Phoenix: I think we are going to be here for a while.

Diablo: That's okay. I like New York. I get to go outside to play.

Phoenix: Except that 'udder cat is here too. Yells her head off in the middle of the night. I'm losing my beauty sleep.

Diablo: She is blind as a bat. Walk right up to her and she can't tell you are there. Just don't touch the whiskers.

Phoenix: I'd rather not.

Diablo: You sound a little upset. Why? If you're patient you stand a good chance to get some of that good and stinky canned food she'll leave in her bowl. Something we never get a chance to eat.

Phoenix: That's why you have fish breath.

Diablo: Oops. Is it that bad?

Yellow Rice

2008-01-30T14:19:00.000-05:00

Phoenix: I think you are pushing our luck.

Diablo: What do you mean? She left it out and then left us here alone.

Phoenix: It was an accident. Not intended for our consumption. Remember the last time? You threw it up. Too spicy.

Diablo: Your guts were spilled out on the bathroom rug too. Now look at this stuff. A whole box of food left on the floor.

Phoenix: That’s because she is packing. I got this feeling we're going to move again.

Diablo: All the more reason to dive into the box. Moving sucks.

Phoenix: What have you got there?

Diablo: Smells good, doesn’t it. Look has no fat!

Phoenix: Uncooked Saffron Yellow Rice? That is what you’re eating?

Diablo: I’m just licking the spices and vegetables. A delicate balance of onion, garlic, bell peppers tomatoes…

Phoenix: Mixed with Monosodium glutamate, hydrolyzed corn gluten, partially hydrogenated cotton seed, sodium aluminosilicate…

Diablo: Hey, isn’t that last one an anti-caking agent?

Phoenix: That might not spew too well.

Cat Heaven

2007-11-04T12:30:00.000-05:00

Diablo: There are seven stages to cat Heaven.

Phoenix: Hummm. Let's me guess. Number one. Full belly?

Diablo: That's right.

Phoenix: Number two. Anything dairy?

Diablo: Except blue cheese. Just grosses me out.

Phoenix: Number three. Scratch under the chin.

Diablo: Oooooh, so good.

Phoenix: Number four. Clean Litter box

Diablo: Most definiately.

Phoenix: Hacking up that annoying fur ball. Got to be number five.

Diablo: Oh good one. Hadn't thought about that.

Phoenix: Number six: Feeling the twitching body of a small rodent between your front paws.

Diablo: Such a turn on. Could be a lizard too.

Phoenix: Sleeping in the sun when it is 72 degrees outside.

Diablo: Purrrrfect.

Eastern Standard

2007-11-03T17:45:00.000-04:00

Diablo: It is getting late

Phoenix: I can't get her to move.

Diablo: I'm so hungry I could eat a furball.

Phoenix: She has us in a conditioning program.

Diablo: For what? The New York Marathon?

Phoenix: For that Spring forward, Fall back nonsense.

Diablo: That's why she has been staying in bed until 9 AM.

Phoenix: Well it's 5:50 PM. Time to Eat.

Diablo: I'm ready to spring on something. Go jump on her computer again.

You Stink

2007-09-11T13:17:00.000-04:00

Diablo: You smell like the vet.

Phoenix: Follow up visit.

Diablo: And?

Phoenix: I like her, Dr. Randall. A bit more gentle than that David guy in New York.

Diablo: Yeah, yeah, yeah... What about your blood work and urine?

Phoenix: You'll be happy to know my numbers are all within the normal range. My BUN also known as Urea Nitorgen, Creatinine and Phosphorus are well within the ranges. Very different from three weeks ago.

Diablo: Wow.

Phoenix: Wow is right. No more injections.

Diablo: How about sharing that KD diet with me?

Phoenix: I heard you need to lose a little weight. Vet actually said I needed to gain some.

Diablo: I've been starving ever since we left New York. Rumor has it we are due for shots next month.

Home

2007-09-06T16:57:00.000-04:00

Diablo: Smells the same. Home sweet Home!

Phoenix: You mean to tell me after all that we are right back where we started from?

Diablo: Appears that way. Ain't it great?

Phoenix: What was that all about?

Diablo: I don't know. Guess it was just about a vacation.

Phoenix: Let me see. Six days in a car. Shabby hotel rooms. Trying to use a litter box at 70 miles per hour. Tractor Trailer rumbling by. You hissing at me. Getting tossed to the back seat if I tried to get on the dashboard. Injections between the shoulder blades. Getting dragged out from underneath a bed by the scruff of the neck...or tail as was the case this morning.

Diablo: You know a lot of that could've been avoided.

Phoenix: Yeah, if we just stayed home in the first place.

Diablo: You know what I can't figure out?

Phoenix: What's that?

Diablo: All that traveling and not once did we stop at Cracker Barrel.

Fill 'Er Up

2007-09-03T19:27:00.000-04:00

Diablo: Hee-hee-hee.

Phoenix: What is so funny?

Diablo: You look like a camel. Oh, Oh. I know. You look like the Hunch Back of Notre Dame.

Phoenix: Not funny.

Diablo: Oooo, Ooooo! How about a humpback whale?

Phoenix: Knock it off. You better hope you never need fluids.

Diablo: I’m sorry. Can I lick your face?

A Conspiracy?

2007-08-31T17:54:00.000-04:00

Diablo: I bet you were scared.

Phoenix: Not until that huge pit bull came through the waiting room. Compared to the canine, the needle looked pretty tame, even if she never stuck anyone with needle before.

Diablo: What was it like?

Phoenix: Not too bad. She did a pretty good job on the first try. She told the vet it felt like taking a sewing needle and pushing through a piece of cloth.

Diablo: A piece of leather maybe?

Phoenix: I’m not that tough skinned.

Diablo: How much trouble are you going to give her? Squirming? Clawing? Any biting?

Phoenix: Well, she is feeling a bit queasy about the whole process. She actually asked the vet for some Valium. I don’t think I should pull any shenanigans. Her being a novice and all. We are talking about a needle. She mentioned to the vet that she was headed back south.

Diablo: That’s worth one good nip. Right between the forefinger and thumb.

Phoenix: No kidding. But I’ll let you have the honors. Wouldn’t want to mar my reputation.

Special Diet

2007-08-30T20:14:00.000-04:00

Diablo: Why do you get all the goodie food?

Phoenix: You mean the canned food? That's because it is a special diet.

Diablo: SO?

Phoenix: Look. You eat almost anything and you're getting a little chubby. So she doesn't feed you as much.

Diablo: I'm hungry.

Phoenix: Get use to it. If this was January you'd be a resolution.

Better

2007-08-27T20:41:00.001-04:00

Diablo: You feeling better?

Phoenix: Yeah, but still a little weak.

Diablo: You keep puking. On the bed, on the rug and today on the freshly laundried tablecloth and place mats.

Phoenix: Convenient at the time.

Sick Kitty

2007-08-21T20:16:00.000-04:00

Diablo: What’s wrong?

Phoenix: Kidneys, apparently.

Diablo: Shit

Phoenix: No, piss.

Diablo: Serious?

Phoenix: Pretty much. Kidneys are having a hard time cleaning up the protein residue. I have an infection. Awful thirsty, food tastes like crap…

Diablo: Ooooh, that is serious. But aren’t you kind of young to have kidney trouble.

Phoenix: The Vet had a hard time believing I am only eight. Kidney failure happens much later for us felines. Now I have to eat a special diet. You eat D/D. I eat K/D.

Diablo: D/D is for dander disease and K/D is for kidney disease?

Phoenix: Something like that.

Diablo: You know she’ll take good care of you.

Phoenix: A pill jammed down my throat twice a day ain’t much fun.

Fig Newtons

2007-08-17T12:18:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: You know you can climb a tree if you want to get that squirrel.

Diablo: Really?

Phoenix: Yeah, use your claws?

Diablo: Hum? Okay. How do I get down?

Phoenix: That is the tricky part. It involves physics.

Diablo: Fizzy-icks? Doesn’t sound too good.

Phoenix: Everything in the universe works on it. Something called Newton’s Laws.

Diablo: Rules, rules and more rules. Like I can’t eat off the dining room table?

Phoenix: Not exactly. More like a body in motion tends to stay in motion.

Diablo: Oh, that explains why dogs chase their tails.

Phoenix: Yeah, and a body at rest tends to stay at rest.

Diablo: Sure I get it. Cat naps. Now that is a law I can live with.

Phoenix: How about for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction?

Diablo: Easy one. Eat cat food. Poop cat food.

Phoenix: Well, something like that.

Diablo: So what has Newton got to do with getting out of a tree?

Phoenix: The Law of Gravity. Seems this Newton guy was sitting under a tree and a something fell on his head.

Diablo: A cat? You want me to fall out of the tree?

Phoenix: You want to get that squirrel, don’t you?

Diablo: I think I'll look for some figs and gravy in the kitchen.

Flashback

2007-08-14T17:09:00.000-04:00

Diablo: You see that?

Phoenix: Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!

Diablo: Have you heard her say anything?

Phoenix: No, and I don't want to hear anything! What the hell is that RV doing in the drive way?

Diablo: Looks like it is getting prepped for a road trip.

Phoenix: I can tell you right now... I am NOT GOING!

Diablo: Do we have the option?

Cousin Cuisine

2007-07-31T18:05:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: Good job

Diablo: Just got lucky. Puke landed right on hardwood floor. No carpet.

Phoenix: Sick?

Diablo: Naw. I think it is that rabbit and pea diet.

Phoenix: Maybe some of that canned food you stole from Booter?

Diablo: Yeah, that too. Why doesn't she feed us any of that stuff?

Vaguely Familar

2007-07-30T22:15:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: Smell that?

Diablo: Sure do.

Phoenix: It's that Booter Cat.

Diablo: Guess we are home. Let's see what she has in her food bowl.

Housekeeping

2007-07-29T18:46:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: So, who was hiding under the bed this morning?

Diablo: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Phoenix: What's the matter? Scared?

Diablo: No. Just didn't feel like leaving.

Phoenix: Me neither. But what was the alternative? Live under the bed, until the maid comes with the vacuum cleaner?

Diablo: Judging by the loose change, candy wrappers and dust bunnies, I don't think that was going to be a problem.

Phoenix: Amen.

Heading North

2007-07-28T20:27:00.000-04:00

Diablo: Excuse me. 'You going to spend all night under the bed?

Phoenix: What’s it to ya?

Diablo: Oh, come on. The motel ain’t that bad. Look there is a nice view from the window. Looks like we are on the third floor. Hey, there's the Jeep in the parking lot.

Phoenix: Jeep. Don't remind me.

Diablo: Man. She got the air conditioning fixed just for us. We are back in Tennessee. Jack Daniels, Barbeque, and Little Debbies.

Phoenix: Quit it with the food.

Diablo: Oops, I’m sorry. I forgot. You know, she took you puking up all over her pretty well. Pretty clever of her to have those paper towels in the front seat. What was wrong?

Phoenix: Car sick.

Diablo: Yeah, at mile ten. With 1530 more to go.

Phoenix: Don’t remind me.

HideNseek

2007-07-17T11:27:00.001-04:00

Diablo: I am pretending to be a gecko. See how well I can blend into the carpet.

Phoenix: I'm pretending to be asleep.

Food Issues

2007-06-21T15:52:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: I guess you are ready to go to Hawaii?

Diablo: How’s that?

Phoenix: Papaya? You were eating papaya.

Diablo: No, I wasn’t.

Phoenix: To hell you weren’t.

Diablo: I was licking the yogurt and hemp powder left behind. Like Rachel Ray says, “Delish.”

Phoenix: And how do you know Rachel Ray?

Diablo: Same way you know what a papaya is. Just call me Aloha Kitty.

Whinnie-The-Pooh

2007-05-26T13:29:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: I hate that parfait glass.

Diablo: She puts it in the frrezer and when I put my head in there... God what an ice cream head ache.

Phoenix: Last night, I thought you were going to get your head stuck in the glass.

Diablo: It’s too hard to reach the bottom. My tongue isn't that long. I had to get that last drop.

Phoenix: Neat trick sticking your paw in there. You look like Whinnie-The-Pooh.

Diablo: Who?

Phoenix: Never mind.

Diablo: What's your favorite flavor?

Phoenix: Cookies and Cream.

Diablo: Now you're sounding a bit like me.

Gecko Heads

2007-05-25T20:47:00.000-04:00

Diablo: I see you're getting more food.

Phoenix: That is the intent, but you keep eating out of my bowl.

Diablo: How many geckos have you eaten?

Phoenix: Seven or eight.

Diablo: You never eat the heads.

Phoenix: Too personal.

Diablo: What?

Heat

2007-05-03T15:47:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: She is such a push over. For months your diet has been strictly rabbit and peas. Your fur has grown back and you are shedding more cat hair than a New Zealander can shear off a sheep.

Diablo: Lamb’s good. I love lamb.

Phoenix: Now every morning when she fixes a cup of decaf, she gives you a spoonful of half and half.

Diablo: Cream’s good. I love cream too.

Phoenix: You’re spoiled rotten.

Diablo: Hey, I don’t see you hiding behind the door when the refrigerator is open. I also noticed more food in your bowl every day. She called you scrawny in one of her stories.

Phoenix: She called you chunky.

Diablo: Hey, it’s the fur.

Phoenix: Yeah, and I went to England to frighten the little mouse under the Queen’s chair.

Diablo: You think she is ever going to turn on the air?

Phoenix: I doubt it.

Diablo: I wish I was still naked.

Viper

2007-04-22T11:32:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: I’d be careful if I were you.

Diablo: Are you kidding me? It’s long. Wiggly. What could happen?

Phoenix: It has teeth.

Diablo: No way. Looks like a long rope.

Phoenix: Yeah way. Remember that gecko you ate the other day?

Diablo: What about it?

Phoenix: Remember when it was hanging from your lip?

Diablo: Annoying little thing. Hung there like a clothespin to the clothesline.

Phoenix: It was biting you, stupid.

Diablo: So?

Phoenix: So, this thing has two fangs just like you.

Diablo: But I got claws.

Phoenix: That snake has a bite a hundred times worse than that gecko. By the way, why did you just eat the hind legs?

Diablo: Got bored after it died.

Not Butter

2007-04-18T08:47:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: Broccoli? What kind of meal is broccoli?

Diablo: It’s pretty good.

Phoenix: Yeah, right. And while you sit there begging for a floret, I’m in the kitchen lickin’ butter out of the tub.

Diablo: It’s not butter.

Phoenix: Tastes like butter. I can’t believe it isn’t butter.

Diablo: It's Brummel & Brown. Made with yogurt.

Phoenix: Well, it beats broccoli.

Storm

2007-04-15T15:05:00.000-04:00

Diablo: Where are you?

Phoenix: Shhh. I’m hiding, here, under the bed.

Diablo: Okay.

Phoenix: Figured it was a good place to ride out the storm.

Diablo: Sure is windy. Even the geckos are getting blown across the patio.

Phoenix: Reminds me of the vacuum cleaner. Too much noise. All that rain rattling on the windows.

Diablo: What are you going to do in a hurricane?

Phoenix: I hope she has sense enough to get us the hell out of here.

Peace

2007-04-10T08:56:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: The didn’t last too long

Diablo: Long enough. You creep me out when you get “possessed.”

Phoenix: Understandable. Friends, again?

Diablo: Friends, again. Now come over here and clean the back of my head.

Cat Fight

2007-04-03T23:31:00.000-04:00

Diablo: I dare you.

Phoenix: Get out of my face.

Diablo: You stay away from me.

Phoenix: I ain't kiddin'.

Diablo: Nor am I, you fur ball.

Night Prowl

2007-03-25T20:01:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: This place looks like a hostel. Who are these people sleeping everywhere?

Diablo: Peace Corps people. I smell an opened bag of Doritos. I think it is sittin' on the floor right next to the guy sleeping on the couch.

Phoenix: I dare you to get it.

Diablo: I can taste that orange powdery coating – kind of salty. The crunchy chip. Ohhh, I could eat the whole bag.

Phoenix: No doubt. However, I don’t think he is going to let you have any.

Diablo: He is snoring. He’ll never know. If I tip-toe over and ever so carefully stick my nose in the bag…

Phoenix: ...So, he’s not a very heavy sleeper.

Diablo: Guess not. What if I…

Phoenix: It’s going to be a long night for this poor guy.

How in the hell....

2007-03-12T10:57:00.000-04:00

Diablo: Did you turn the air-conditioning on the other day?

Phoenix: No comment.

Diablo: She sure didn't leave the condo all day and turn it on for us.

Phoenix: No comment.

Diablo: How did you do it?

Phoenix: No comment.

Diablo: Yeah, well...she sure knows you're the one who left the dead gecko tail in the middle of the floor.

Phoenix: No comment.

Need Insurance?

2007-03-05T19:34:00.000-05:00

Diablo: Look. Look. It is one of those things I seen on TV.

Phoenix: What?

Diablo: There. Under the chair. It's a GEICO

Phoenix: A what?

Diablo: You know that green funny talking thing on TV. Sometimes licks its eyeball.

Phoenix: A gecko.

Diablo: That’s what I said. But this one is brown.

Phoenix: It didn’t have a British accent, did it?

Diablo: Never said a word.

Phoenix: What did it taste like?

Diablo: Chicken, of course. Not much meat, however.

SnAP!

2007-02-24T17:25:00.000-05:00

Phoenix: It was huge.

Diablo: Such a waste. We could have had hours of fun chasing that mouse around the condo.

Phoenix: No, I meant the mousetrap. When that metal bar hit the vertebrae I thought it would snap in two. Bloody guts everywhere.

Diablo: Scary.

Alligator

2007-02-22T09:05:00.000-05:00

Diablo: What do you think it is?

Phoenix: Could be a rat. They can live in the walls, crawl around the plumbing, emerge under the bathtub, come out of the vents.

Diablo: Could be a mouse.

Phoenix: Nope. It's making too much noise.

Diablo: A raccoon?

Phoenix: Too big to fit behind the wall.

Diablo: A squirrel?

Phoenix: That’s possible. If I could get through that vent…

Diablo: We are lucky she left the door open so we sit in the closet for hours and listen to whatever it is.

Phoenix: I’ve been up all night listening to it scurry around under the tub. I’m going to take a nap. You stand watch.

Diablo: You know…it could be a Gila Monster. I heard they have 'em in Florida.

Phoenix: You mean alligator?

Diablo: Yeah, that too.

Free Running

2007-02-21T09:32:00.000-05:00

Diablo: What do you think?

Phoenix: I like the carpet. Good for traction, 'pecially when we are racing around the place.

Diablo: Got to be careful when you come flying through the kitchen. Linoleum.

Phoenix: Yeah and the bathroom too. Tile.

Diablo: We never lived in a place with this much carpet. Not the office, the apartment, the RV or the Big House.

Phoenix: Sure beats trying to run on hard wood.

18 Hours

2007-02-12T17:44:00.000-05:00

Diablo: Where are we going?

Phoenix: South.

Diablo: I didn’t think South was this far away.

Phoenix: Two long days in the back of the jeep, sitting on piles of boxes, bags and other thing. It is getting old. This makes RV travel look pretty appealing.

Diablo: We should have been in Tennessee by now.

Phoenix: We aren’t going there.

Diablo: Some place new?

Phoenix: Florida.

Diablo: I kind of like the hotels. The fancy floral bedspreads, the big mirrors, the funny smells...

Phoenix: Just give me the hiding space between the headboard and wall.

Diablo: You know, I don’t think she likes you getting in there.

Bird Watching

2007-02-07T12:44:00.000-05:00

Phoenix: What do you see out there?

Diablo: Birds.

Phoenix: You have been sitting there staring out the window for hours.

Diablo: Lots of birds.

Phoenix: You can’t get‘em.

Diablo: I like the red ones.

Phoenix: Cardinals?

Diablo: Yeah, they’re pretty.

Phoenix: Pretty….you mean tasty?

Diablo: Heck if I know. Never tasted one.

Phoenix: Hmmm. I’ll go for the Junco. Fatter. More of them. Better odds.

Diablo: Look at’em. They have all the food they want. Fly over to the feeder, grab a seed. Eat it. Get another. Look at all the seeds on the ground. I wish I was a bird.

Artic Cats

2007-02-04T13:09:00.000-05:00

Diablo: Brrrr! I thought my little pads were going to stick to the ground. I think my ears were about to freeze and break off like icicles.

Phoenix: Why would you want to go outside when you can stretch out in the sunshine streaming through the window? By the way, just remember not to stick your nose on a cold metal pole.

Diablo: It never got this cold in Tennessee.

Phoenix: Be thankful you don’t live outdoors.

Diablo: Amen. Let’s go curl up in the sunshine.

Phoenix: I got a better idea. I think our cousin left some food in her bowl.

Diablo: Roger that.

Lonely Days, Lonely Nights

2007-01-31T20:11:00.000-05:00

Diablo: Do you think she is ever coming back?

Phoenix: She has always come back before.

Diablo: The old guy is okay. I just don't dare sit at the table begging for food.

Phoenix: Yeah, and he doesn't give in to our poor starving hungry looks we give him.

Diablo: It has been nearly three weeks.

Phoenix: Don't worry. She has always come back.

Diablo: But sometimes it had been six or more months. You don't think she joined the Peace Corps again.

Phoenix: You just keep curling up on her pillow and be patient. She'll be back soon.

Diablo: Don't you miss her?

Phoenix: Yeah, I miss her. Come over here and let me clean your ears.

Serial Number...

2007-01-17T22:45:00.000-05:00

Phoenix: That was low.

Diablo: A mean and dirty trick.

Phoenix: Microchipped...

Diablo: Right between the shoulder blades.

Phoenix: And tested for rabies too.

Diablo: Something tells me we aren't headed for Kansas, Toto.

Phoenix: No, but our blood samples are.

Cherry Pie

2007-01-12T20:10:00.000-05:00

Diablo: Whoa, you are a bad cat.

Phoenix: Can’t believe the old man caught me.

Diablo: Three pies sitting on the counter and he found you up to your ears in the cherry.

Phoenix: It was made with cream cheese and sweet condensed milk and…

Diablo: And you ate so much you puked. I would have gone for the pumpkin. Carefully lick the surface and they would have never known.

Resolutions

2006-12-31T21:13:00.000-05:00

Diablo: She asked me to make a New Year's resolution.

Phoenix: And?

Diablo: She asked me not to bite her anymore.

Phoenix: And?

Diablo: We reached a compromise. I'll try not to break skin.

Phoenix: Tell me how come you are her favorite?

South

2006-12-30T15:04:00.000-05:00

Diablo: I don't think we are going south.

Phoenix: Okay by me. I hate that traveling gig.

Diablo: Yeah, but look outside. See? There is snow everywhere.

Phoenix: It don't bother me. I'm not going out there.

Diablo: Yeah but...there isn't any more grass to eat.

Phoenix: Diablo, I think you been eating too much rabbit. Rabbits eat grass. You're a cat. You eat rabbit.

Toilet

2006-12-08T22:30:00.000-05:00

Phoenix: What do you see?

Diablo: Nothing.

Phoenix: Let me up there.

Diablo: Careful. Don’t push me.

Phoenix: Well? Are you going to do it?

Diablo: I’m pretty thirsty. I heard dogs do this all the time.

Phoenix: Yuck.

Diablo: It is kind of far down in there. I don’t know if I can reach the water.

Phoenix: Lean way over. Balance. Keep your tail back. Steady. Careful.

Crisis

2006-12-08T22:16:00.000-05:00

Diablo: I’m starving.

Phoenix: Me too.

Diablo: How come that lady isn’t coming inside to feed us?

Phoenix: I’m not sure. For some reason she can’t open the door. There is something wrong with the lock.

Diablo: I want something to eat. My belly hurts. It was last night when we had our last meal.

Phoenix: We can prowl around the kitchen and see if we can open something up.

Diablo: Valerie did a pretty good job locking everything up. I haven’t been able to open any cabinets. There isn't nothing on the counter except an onion. I might eat peas, but I got to draw the line on the onion. I’m not that hungry, yet.

Phoenix: We don’t have much water.

Diablo: The toilet…

Phoenix: Don’t even go there.

No Petting

2006-12-03T14:32:00.000-05:00

Phoenix: Where the hell is everybody?

Diablo: I miss Valerie. No snacks. This lady comes in, feeds us, cleans the litter box and leaves. She watches us eat.

Phoenix: That is so you can’t sneak a bite of my food. You and your rabbit and pea diet.

Diablo: You can have some.

Phoenix: I’ll stick to beef and chicken byproducts, thank you.

Giving Thanks

2006-11-25T19:49:00.000-05:00

Diablo: What are you thankful for?

Phoenix: I am thankful for not being in that RV anymore. How about you? What are you thankful for?

Diablo: Rabbit and peas and that nice man who feed us for four days all the food we could get down into our tummies.

Phoenix: Be grateful he wasn't fatting you up for Thanksgiving dinner.

Diablo: What? He had a funny accent, but he didn't look Chinese to me.

Peas Please

2006-11-12T18:45:00.000-05:00

Diablo: I smell French fries.

Phoenix: Heard you are going on a special diet.

Diablo: Mi Diet, Su Diet.

Phoenix: Heard you are going to eat kangaroo and peas.

Diablo: Sounds yummy. You smell French fries?

Phoenix: Peas?

Diablo: Yeah, peas. Except, they got to be canned. Only canned. Not frozen.

Phoenix: Peas?

Diablo: Yeah, peas. Where are those French Fries?

Phoenix: We are parked next to McDonald’s. Don’t get too excited. She’s not getting you any fries.

Diablo: Ummm. By the way…what is kangaroo?

Missing Home

2006-11-11T22:02:00.000-05:00

Diablo: Did you see that road sign?

Phoenix: West (By God) Virginia?

Diablo: That's a new one. How many states does that make?

Phoenix: No it isn’t. We went through West Virginia in June. In the Jeep. Remember?

Diablo: Oh yeah. That eighteen hour ordeal. How could I forget? We traveled all night.

Phoenix: You ended up hiding in a box in the back.

Diablo: So how many states have we been in?

Phoenix: Counting Tennessee? Fourteen.

Diablo: I liked Rhodes Island best. Good grass and great fried clams.

Phoenix: Me. I preferred Tennessee. Could have stayed in the office and forgot about all this.

Discoveries

2006-11-10T19:31:00.000-05:00

Phoenix: I don’t believe it. There is something you won’t eat.

Diablo: It does weird things to me.

Phoenix: For a cat who eats peas, avocado, chick-peas, carrots, corn and hot salsa I can’t imagine why you don’t eat peanut butter.

Diablo: It sticks to the roof of my mouth.

Phoenix: By the way...

Diablo: I know. We ain't going south no more.

Teeth Marks

2006-11-06T09:41:00.000-05:00

Phoenix: You are a loco cat.

Diablo: I don’t know what overcame me.

Phoenix: You have done that more times than all the cats she has ever had - combined. In fact, after the second time you exceeded all others.

Diablo: Let’s see. There was the time at the vet’s about two days after she rescued us from the pound.

Phoenix: Yes, you had not eaten a thing in two days and you were a little kitten. She was very concerned about your welfare.

Diablo: The vet had this great smelling foooood. Her hand was in the way. Then there was the time I brought her down like a water buffalo.

Phoenix: Right on her naked ass. You were possessed. A few months later you stalked her in the kitchen. Your wild-eyed crazed look made her jump up on the kitchen counter in order to escape.

Diablo: Yeah, she leapt off the counter, dashed into the bedroom and slammed the door to avoid me. I can’t help it. I could see her peaking out from beneath the door as I laid in front of it wanting to get in.

Phoenix: Don’t forget the time in the yard.

Diablo: Now that was perfectly excusable. Three dogs came wandering out of the woods. The scratches on her face were an accident. The scar is barely noticeable.

Phoenix: Torn a hole in her pants too.

Diablo: Claws needed a trim.

Phoenix: About six months ago…

Diablo: Again, an accident. I was going after you.

Phoenix: I remember. But last night? There was no call for it.

Diablo: She wouldn’t let me have any more popcorn.

Phoenix: Four punctures in her left hand. She has a book signing on Thursday. There goes dinner.

Diablo: Does it look infected?

Frozen

2006-11-03T15:28:00.000-05:00

Diablo: Get underneath the covers. It’s toasty.

Phoenix: It has to be 25 degrees in here.

Diablo: I am underneath the covers and I would appreciate you not stepping on me.

Phoenix: Oh, that was you? I’m just trying to find the warm spot.

Diablo: I’m trying to sleep. It is going to be a long, dark, cold night. Your ears are going to freeze if you don’t get underneath.

Phoenix: If I keep walking all over her, she’ll get up and turn on the heat. And it keeps me warm.

Diablo: You are driving me crazy. Lay down or I’ll have to swat you a good one.

Phoenix: It will take you ten minutes to find your way out from underneath that nest of blankets.

Still Alive

2006-11-01T17:44:00.000-05:00

Diablo: That was stupid.

Phoenix: I have to keep her on her toes. After all, several times yesterday she stood in the doorway and almost dared us to jump outside.

Diablo: Yeah, but there is a huge difference between parked in a campground and speeding down the highway. She was driving when you weaseled your way into the cab. Major no-no. And then you freaked out meowing your head off.

Phoenix: She didn’t appreciate it when I jumped up on the dashboard in her line of vision.

Diablo: Hell, I didn’t appreciate it. She was in the middle of six lanes of traffic during rush hour in Raleigh. Were you trying to kill us?

Phoenix: Trying to get a better view.

Diablo: I thought you were the smart one.

Phoenix: I didn’t think she would ever pull over.

Diablo: I quit looking as I was hiding underneath the bed covers.

Bird Trance

2006-11-01T17:09:00.000-05:00

Phew

2006-10-30T11:02:00.000-05:00

Diablo: What was that smell?

Phoenix: Grossed me out.

Diablo: What was she doing?

Phoenix: Smelled like she tried to ram her hand down the Airdale’s throat.

Diablo: Ich. Dog slobber.

Phoenix: Then she had the audacity to pet us.

Diablo: Gave me the shivers.

IAMS

2006-10-23T16:23:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: Weight control cat food is only weight control if you don’t eat an eight pound bag of it in one sitting.

Diablo: Burp.

Phoenix: Ummm...you don't look too good.

Does it Go?

2006-10-20T19:13:00.000-04:00

War

2006-10-20T16:12:00.000-04:00

Diablo: I could have taken him.

Phoenix: He had been stalking you for twenty minutes.

Diablo: I know. I lured him in by pretending I did not see the old coon tomcat lurking in the brush.

Phoenix: Nice tactics. I’m impressed.

Diablo: When he came within range, I decided to go after him. He retreated.

Phoenix: To a point. He stood there like a Halloween cat and you kept tugging on the leash wanting to get closer.

Diablo: Valerie was afraid we would get into a tangle and she was worried the stray might have rabies.

Phoenix: I think she was worried he would eat you for lunch.

Diablo: That too.

Under Cover

2006-10-19T20:57:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: Were you doing what I think you were doing?

Diablo: What is that?

Phoenix: Sleeping under the covers?

Diablo: Toasty. It was cold in this RV last night.

Phoenix: You are a cat. Have some dignity.

Diablo: Jealous? Besides, she greatly appreciated my warmth.

Office Cats

2006-10-19T20:48:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: Home, sweet, home.

Diablo: Familiar faces. Familiar places. Not as much junk food in the office however. Ever since she took me to the vet and was pleased I have lost 6 pounds this year, she has made sure I won’t gain an ounce of it back. It can be torture having a personal trainer.

Phoenix: You did get a lot of compliments. Sleeping in the RV at night, roaming the office during the day…sweet. I even got to sit on the boss’ desk. My old throne. I think he missed me.

Diablo: Yes, the week has been very comfortable. Good for my blood pressure. There aren’t any mice here, but the living is good. I wish we could be office cats again.

Phoenix: Those days are over my friend. And with that person who claims to be “allergic” to “cats”…well, the hey-days are over.

Diablo: Yeah, I had half a mind to give her cat-scratch fever, then she could really whine about something.

Vet

2006-10-12T19:41:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: You smell like the Vet's.

Diablo: Quit hissing at me.

Phoenix: You lost some more fur around your hind legs.

Diablo: The Vet thinks I am eating my own fur. After all, I am down six pounds in a year. The new slim me tipped the scale at 10.4. Lean mean mousing machine.

Phoenix: Yeah but you need to figure out how to do a sit up. You got a flabby gut and it is going bald.

Diablo: Keep it up. I got a steriod shot this afternoon. I can take you in three.

Déjà vu - déjà vu

2006-10-12T19:27:00.000-04:00

Diablo: Looks familiar.

Phoenix: Smells familiar.

Diablo: We have been here before. The litter box was over there and our food bowls right there.

Phoenix: Where is my sleeping pad?

Diablo: I am not sure I like it here any more. It feels different. Less personal.

Phoenix: Yeah, something is missing, but I can figure out what.

Diablo: Something tells me we are no longer office cats.

Phoenix: I wonder how long we will be here?

Going South

2006-10-09T15:42:00.000-04:00

Diablo: Nice and toasty in the sun this afternoon.

Phoenix: Sure beats that torrential downpour over the weekend.

Diablo: Did not care for the acorns dropping on the roof of the RV roof. Disturbed my sleep.

Phoenix: It has been a long couple of weeks.

Diablo: Yeah we had it made at the house. Free mice, the roam of the place, extra food carelessly left on the counter tops.

Phoenix: Nothing careless about it. We were thieves breaking and entering.

Diablo: Yeah, wasn’t it great.

Phoenix: Couldn't last. She shuffled us back into the RV and headed south.

Diablo: Tell me. What was that little thinly haired wrinkly little…what was that?

Phoenix: That my friend was an old dachshund.

Diablo: Gave me the willies. She wanted to lick us and baby us.

Phoenix: Yeah, I don’t care too much for dog spit.

Crunchy Parts

2006-09-28T00:20:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: This has been sweet, even if we had to contend with our Yankee Cousin.

Diablo: Yeah, but I get that distinct feeling it is coming to an end.

Phoenix: Me too. The RV is in the driveway and she moved all the boxes out of the bed room.

Diablo: I was so getting the hang of catching mice down in the basement

Phoenix: I think they finally wised up and left. I haven’t seen any in a few days. Valerie was sure she would come back after being away for three days and find mouse heads everywhere.

Diablo: What are you kidding me? Let the crunchy part go to waste. Tasty treats.

Phoenix: It is all coming to an end, my friend. We are going to head south again.

Diablo: And just when I stopped shedding.

Direct Kill

2006-09-14T10:57:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: Congratulations. I believe that was your first kill.

Diablo: Thank you.

Phoenix: However, next time don’t leave it in front of the bathroom door.

Diablo: I guess Valerie would have broken her neck trying to avoid swishing the dead furry body between her toes in the middle of the night.

Phoenix: You could have left it on the foot of her bed.

Diablo: I’m going back down into the basement. I think I heard more mice down there.

Sneaky Little Thing

2006-09-09T20:50:00.000-04:00

Diablo: You let it get away.

Phoenix: Did not. It started to squeak and that’s when Valerie came in see what we were doing.

Diablo: We were just playing.

Phoenix: True, but I don’t think she cared too much for having it in the house.

Diablo: Sneaky little thing. I wonder where it was hiding for the past two days.

Phoenix: It was in the fold of the bath towel the last time I smelled it.

Diablo: About that time Valerie came into the bathroom with a bucket. After that it disappeared.

Phoenix: If you had not bit down on its head so hard it probably would not have squeaked and we could have been playing a lot longer.

Diablo: I kind of like this house. Large, roomy and a garage full of mice.

Phoenix: Beats traveling in that RV.

Diablo: Did you notice how cute it's eyes were?

Phoenix: Excuse me?

North Bound?

2006-08-27T09:53:00.000-04:00

Diablo: I thought we were headed south.

Phoenix: We were.

Diablo: And now?

Phoenix: I think we are back in New York. It feels different. Something is wrong.

Diablo: I am not sure what it is. I have sat on her lap and purred. She seems to need this now.

Easy Treats

2006-08-24T19:30:00.000-04:00

Diablo: Let me ask you a question. How come I have to go outside on the leash and when I come in she rewards me with a treat or two and then she tosses you one too? You did not do anything for the treat.

Phoenix: That is why I am known as the smart cat.

Sight Seeing

2006-08-22T16:30:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: What a long day. Stop and go, stop and go. I think she was torturing us.

Diablo: She was sight seeing.

Phoenix: It upsets my sense of balance and what is right with the world.

Diablo: Give me a break. You make out like you are being tortured. If you aren’t careful and change that look, someone might come by and call the Humane Society. We both have been on that side of the fence. We don’t want to go back there. No one is going to adopt two, old cats. Every one wants a cute, adorable fuzzy kitten, even if they are not litter trained. We would be condemned within six weeks of hell living in a cage before the end of out days! And you? Look at you. Who wants a skinny cat?

Phoenix: Well, one would look at you and they would pass you by too. Who wants a fat cat? You’d frighten them into thinking you would bust their household budget.

Diablo: So see, we are better off on this rod trip. Outside of a few hours of travel every few days, it isn’t so bad. Get to smell those fishy ocean breezes, watch birds, rabbits and squirrels in the camp grounds…

Phoenix: You seem to be contented. You took to the cat scratching pad Valerie bought to keep you from tearing up the carpet on the walls. And then you played like a foolish little kitten with that paper bag the corn came in.

Diablo: Corn. Yummy. She left three ears out on the counter and I got to eat some of it raw. So delicious.

Phoenix: You are one sick cat. You think anyone else in the world would feed you corn and green beans.

Diablo: Yummm. Green beans. Being carnivorous is so over-rated.

Rabbit

2006-08-20T20:02:00.000-04:00

Phoenix: If you had been paying attention to my incredible problem-solving abilities, you would know how to open the door. When that fat little rabbit came waltzing past the door you could have swung that door open and....dinner. It would have been surprised.

Diablo: Did you see its smug attitude?

Phoenix: All I saw was your face smashing into the screen and your tail beating as fast as the windshield wipers in a deluge.

Diablo: Well you have a new problem to solve now. Valerie put a child-proof latch on the slide.

Phoenix: Elementary. I watched the whole installation process.

Diablo: And the bungee cord to keep the door shut?

Phoenix: Working on it.

Diablo: If you don’t watch out that door will come flying back to hit you in the face.

The Brains and the Brawn

2006-08-19T08:31:00.000-04:00